We took a trip to the Moab desert this past weekend, looking for a little sunshine and solitude. As we headed out in our Volkswagen camper I found myself feeling a little unsettled and wondering why I felt this way. I mean we are heading out of town to do two of my favorite things, camp and mountain bike, so what the heck is wrong with me anyway. We had decided to go with the flow on this trip, no exact plans, nowhere to be at any certain time, just winging it. Mmmmm! Two hours of driving later, we are getting closer to where we think we might camp our first night, we pass up what seem to be a few nice camping spots but we don't stop...I'm starting to notice that it's getting to be that time of night when I just want to relax and be done with the work but for some reason I can't seem to get the words out and so we just keep driving. So of course I start to get upset with “you know who” (doesn't like to be seen on Facebook so we will keep it anonymous), and I’m like how come we didn't check out those spots back there? You know who just looks at me and shrugs and keeps driving, to where I do not know. But in the back of my head I keep hearing Onion Creek and I had been hearing this all week but I just want to park the van now and I am wrestling with this and getting more irritated as we drive. Finally we reach the Onion Creek turn off and start heading up, up, up...every camp spot on the lower road is full, "should we turn around" you know who say's, and check out the last road we passed or should we just keep going up, up, up the road? Well we decide on the up and finally find an open spot but we don't take it?!! And as you can imagine I am even more frustrated (nice word for angry) at this point and have decided that it's you know who's fault. I mean i just wanted to camp way back at that place we passed 30 minutes ago, why didn’t we camp there? So onward and upward we go hoping that the spot we camped at last year is still available and as you can expect it is full as well. So up, up, up we go, to where? To the very top of Onion Creek, where the cannon opens up to the most incredibly peaceful meadows surrounded by red rock and the La Sal mountains in the distance, to finally find a very private beautiful camping spot. Do I appreciate it? No, I’m tired and grumpy and now I’m hungry etc., etc., but this feeling of unsettledness is really what is going on inside of me. Where is it coming from? How can I be doing my two favorite things in an incredibly beautiful place with "you know who" and still feel unsettled? So this becomes the goal of my weekend, to figure out the source of my unsettledness. What it really boils down to is this...I wanted to camp back down the road but didn't say anything and that pissed me off and then I was mad because we had to go so far to find a spot and then there is dinner and who is going to cook it and I say to you know who, why am i here? Why do i feel so unsettled, life is not what I thought it would be in this moment? I don't like this life anymore. You know who say's this, "Life is what you make it". Phooey on that, is what I thought. And so after lots of talking, bike riding, eating, sleeping, I finally sit. You know to meditate and be still, hear God, find center. And I hear “you know who's” voice "Life is what you make it" and I realize in that moment that I have been expecting life to just happen the way I want it to, in fact I am waiting for it to happen. And then being upset because it isn't turning out like I thought it would. Have you ever felt this way? Are you with me at all? Life is what you make it...so make it what you want it to be. Hearing those words felt like a cool breeze on a hot day, like a long lost friend. I can create this life, I can decide to ask for something when I need it, I can create time in my day for play or rest, or whatever it is that I need, I can eat healthy food to nourish my body. I can choose to take responsibility for my choices because my choices create my life. I can say no, or yes.
So what is it that keeps me from doing these things? Is it fear, doubt, hesitation, feelings of "am i really worth it?” past conditioning? Do I really know what the "right" thing is in this moment?
Well here's my enlightenment from the desert camp...I do know what i need, deep down inside but I am sometimes afraid to ask for it, or better yet to step into it. Why? Fear of the unknown, doubts in my ability to know, fear of "what will other's think?” thoughts of "who am I to have a gorgeous, talented, beautiful life"? Being comfortable with the old pattern's and ideas, caught in the fear of the unknown is no place to be .So I decided to open my heart to courage, or should I say “tear open my heart to courage”, because that's what it felt like. I made a list: things i need to step forward in, things that I really know I love and I gave myself permission to have that gorgeous, talented, beautiful life that I have been longing for. When we set the intention and step into it the whole Universe conspires to help us. That's huge, and it's true! Open your heart to courage and take a step toward love, I promise you will not be sorry you did it.
Love. Love. Love.
My spiritual name is Sivakami, which means... one who desires transformation and/or one who transforms desires. I live in Rifle, Colorado where I teach yoga, create art and love life. I would love to hear your comments.