Where has everyone gone...

What I really want to say is...
I feel like the world has changed so much over the past few years. Where has everyone gone? What are we all doing now? Where are our minds and hearts? Is it just me or does the world feel like a much lonelier place? Or have I just retreated from it all. I feel like our entire human world went through this collective trauma and it rewired us. The old ways no longer work. What I feel is a lack of pure joy, enjoyment for life. Friendships. Fear of loss. Fear of getting old, paying the bills is getting harder, getting sick. fear of each other. What will everyone think if they really know me? So I hide. Hide out, hide it, just hide. Pain, so much pain like a gigantic hole that cannot be filled no matter how hard I try. I am running out of options and so here I sit trying to figure it out, to make sense of the confusion and chaos that my life has become. Everyday a new arrival...Rumi knew didn't he. Greet them at the door laughing he says, even if the clear out all your furniture. 
I am frustrated and just want to find some people that I can really connect with. Can you be honest with me but even more importantly can I be honest with you. Can i feel heard or am I just talking to a wall? All of these emotions that I am feeling, doubts, fears, confusion around what is real, what is true and what is a lie. Will you hurt me? Have you already and just cant tell me so you walk away. Is it someone else, am I not good enough, can't get it right, didn't get there soon enough, didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. What is love anyway? Just a passing thing. You change you move one and I am left here spinning always trying to be there for you  not knowing how to be there for me. How to be alone, to face the world alone now. I wanted that to work out. I wanted to love you and feel that feeling that was so strong between us, that magic elixer and then all the shit comes in and I can't feel it anymore. You give up. You say I will not accept no for an answer, we are going to make it through and now you just say, this isn't working, I don't want to hurt you, you're a great gal. What does that even mean. Empty. Life feels empty. I feel lost. How do I change with change? How do I keep moving forward instead of looking to the past and wanting it to be like that. It felt so safe and now it feels so scary. All the things I used to want just feel lost, like why want them? A retreat in Jamaica because I am feeling all full and wanting to share what I have and then  what? Trying to do it like I did how do I do it differently. What is different anyway. How do i get my voice out there to be heard, to be noticed, acknowledged. Who will listen, Why would they anyway? Is anything I do or know worth anything. How do i exist in this world. How do I tell someone to work through the fear? That it will be ok if you just ride the wave and see what can be possible for healing. Am I just talking to myself right now. Maybe that is all that I can do is to do the work myself, Alone! I can't seem to find a way. I am blind with all of this torment and in the back of my mind I'm thinking there is a whole world out there that I am not experiencing because I am trapped in here. Stuck, feet can't move. everything feels flat, empty, I don't like life anymore. Death is the end and why do any of it at all, what is the point? Every time I just come to this point of I give up. I don't know how to live in this world of loss and pain. I don't know how to find the thing that used to move me forward. That had hope of it always getting better. That anything is possible. You know anyone can write a book, lead a class, why do I feel like I need to be perfect to put myself out there? 

The poet William Stafford calls it a thread...

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

In Light,
Misty